Star Wars blog for episode 7 or also known as "The fourth Real Star Wars movie."
You may not believe what I am about
to tell you. And yes, I will understand if you have an internal monologue of
soul stunning disbelief when you hear that this very blog holds information
which might be kind of out there or hard to understand.
You see, I recently saw Star Wars “The
Force Awakens” and I am here to make sense of it all for anyone who
wants to hear it. That is once I get all two billion of my brain’s neurons on
the same page.
This blog actually was already
written. I am just transcribing it from an alien language for you to read. I
found it in an email from my future self as a warning that this new movie is
just the beginning of a new wave of Star Wars mania that will ultimately
totally transform our culture.
See, in the year 2029 George Lucas has died. I
know, it’s sad, but it’s really okay because his brain and spinal cord are put
into a robot and he dedicates himself to writing more Star Wars movies.
He can do this because he raises enough money publishing books to buy the franchise back from Disney at the bargain price of three
trillion dollars. The fact that in the year
2029 books cost on average $200 for a short and cheap romance novel works out well in
his favor.
In the future he doesn’t even call
himself George Lucas anymore. He instead goes by Darth 3PO because in the fifth Star Wars trilogy, called a pentalilogy to be technically correct, C-3PO is seduced by
the Dark Side of the Force and builds an army of space appliances that rules
the galaxy. My future self knows this because his friend’s son told him, having already received a Master’s Degree in Star Wars studies.
In fact George Lucas himself is voted the
President of the United States. But things do get a little complicated when he
marries his own clone and thus calls himself first lady Darth 3PO. But by then
approximately 51% of our nation are tolerant enough to accept this and as a
result we escape total cultural implosion. This is also made possible by the
Man/Robot Love Laws passed in the year 2025.
George also by new decree, or
called ‘Georgeisms’(not Bills or Laws, that’s so not Star Warsian), creates his own private army that attacks anyone criticizing anything Star Wars. Not
verbally attack, but physically attacks people with knives and guns and mountain
lions trained to use knives and guns. The fact that a second internet is
created for only discussing, watching, or purchasing things related to Star
Wars makes monitoring criticism easier than in the days of a single internet.
My future self continually told me
how quaint it remembers our time now. So many things have changed by his time; we only have a single internet, we don’t
have flying cars, we have yet to utilize internal IV caffeine pumps or learn to
grow kale on the bottom of the ocean where people who like to eat kale are only
allowed to live.
Now with that piece of completely true
prophecy out of the way we can forget my 2029 self and focus on the meat, the
nuts and bolts, and the heart of this movie which is kind of a big deal in
these parts.
And yes, in case you were wondering
while sitting there in your chair quivering with anticipation of what comes
next, yes there will be super massive spoilers coming in the next 500 pages of
this blog. Oh, wait scratch that, I meant 3 pages. In fact the spoilers look just like this!
All super cool car accessories
aside, I can’t understand people’s anger at getting a movie plot told to them
in advance, hence the name spoiler, as in spoiled, spoiling, spoilery, and the
forgotten playwright Spoilaticus Totalus who in ancient Greece told the ending of
his plays to the audience beforehand. The reason no one has heard of him is
because most everyone left after he did so and so no one actually saw any of
his plays.
But my point is that knowing the
plot and ending shouldn’t spoil anything, because a good movie should be based
on enjoyable characters, inspiring plot points, and should be funny and
beautiful to watch, as in great cinematography and camera work.
I can enjoy watching Star Wars or
Top Gun or Big Trouble in Little China over and over and not be spoiled because
I know the plot and ending. I have probably seen them a combined 30 times, so NO I say! It
matters not. So I don't see how someone can call themselves a real movie fan and whine
about spoilers, or refuse to watch a movie more than once?
And just to state for the record
being chiseled into pristine marble somewhere at this very moment, I am no hardcore
movie fan. At best I am more of a soft-core fan.
Now the premise if you will bear
with me. Completely mind blowing trilogy is created, people go wild, nothing
happens for ten-fifteen years, but creator suddenly decides to make prequels.
Prequels ruin people's childhoods/lives/marriages/divorces/retirements, prequels are mostly CGI and back story, people sling criticism on
creator, creator cries. Creator sells huge franchise to Disney, Disney knows
exactly what to do, make it funny, make it exciting, bring back the characters
that people loved so it feels ‘like good old times,’ and last but not least
make trillions of dollars doing it. So no pressure J.J.
Now according to these terms Disney
did exactly that. J.J. did a great job of making this film exciting, of introducing
new characters and bringing back the old ones, and yes the movie is on pace to make boat
loads of money.
As a student of film and story I
give the movie a solid B letter grade and must break it into its three acts to fully analyze
it. The first act felt brilliant, the shots, sets, backgrounds, ships,
everything was beautiful and felt new and intriguing. The new characters and
their situations as well as the action and plot pacing was phenomenal. And J.J.
really earns an A here.
However, the second act is where
the story starts to stall. This is where the two new characters get captured
and run into none other than Han fricking Solo and Chewy. Now, this was an
obvious nostalgia shot in the arm which is understood by your Blogger, but it also felt a bit
forced and at this point the plot gets really boring as if they are now trying
to make Han Solo have a central role and give him something Han Soloey to do,
but it really side tracks the main characters story.
Instead if J.J. had created a new
and interesting mentor character he could have kept the pacing going and kept
my interest. But he didn’t and one feels like he was bowing to higher corporate
powers in this decision, but that’s not my call or am I able to verify it.
The story does pick up in the third
act and the antagonist is formidable and interesting although goofy looking
when he takes off his helmet which I could live with. Other small problems with
story revolve around the plot consisting of said bad guys just resulting to
building a bigger Death Star, but that’s a minor problem. If it was done right
and the pacing didn’t stall so much I could buy that the bad guys would just
want to build another big weapon that almost defeated the good guys in the
previous movies. I mean villains are usually in the business of building bigger
and badder weapons just as a rule of thumb.
Now is time to address the fact
that J.J. said the movie would be mostly practical effects, yes there were some
good practical effects. And I realize now that he never promised to make it ALL
practical affects. That said it still is a shame he didn't because it is still too easy to tell when they use CGI; for
big explosions, the star getting sucked up, every light saber, the big, big bad
guy, and for the slimy, rolling ten eyed ten tentacled monster, and yes dear J.J.
all that CGI looked very fake too.
There’s still no way getting around the
difference between seeing something that is real and something that is not. Oh,
my bad, I forgot to mention that Carrie Fisher was also done totally with CGI
as well. Okay, just kidding, she just looked extremely wooden for some reason
and talked like she was always trying to keep her teeth from falling out.
So to sadly conclude this blog, it
will be stated that I got pretty much what I expected out of a J.J. Abrams
production which is; good effects, some good characters, an exciting first act,
and then a slow second act with too much pandering to certain aspects of old
glory from said franchise(just like in his Star Trek films), and a somewhat
satisfying, actiony ending with overall about as much character and plot depth as
a toddler’s sandbox.
But seeing as this was partially Star Wars; The Apology,
it did enough. The record breaking box office proved that as well and will
continue to do so as it appears that Disney will attempt to pull a Marvel and
begin churning out Star Wars movies by the dozen over the years. And knowing
that Disney owns Marvel that shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone. I promise I will
continue to point that out, that is until Disney owns this blog, at which time I
will be forbidden from saying anything contradicting the Star Wars/Disney
supremacy. So while I can I will add that Bugs Bunny is wayyyyyy cooler and
funnier than Mickey Mouse. There I said it. It isn’t 2029 just yet ;)
On one final, final note I recently
listened to a Shamanic drum tape given to me by a dear friend. I listened to it
and tried to visualize going to the Underworld, or the center of the Earth in
my case, in order to contact my spirit animals. Now, I’m not sure I did it
right or if I can even do it right, I’m just a rookie Shaman here let’s be
honest. But I can tell you that if I did do the visualization right that my
spirit animals are eagles, monkeys, griffins, and Marshawn Lynch. And yes that
was a list in order of least to most important.
So that’s it. This is first year
Shaman Lightening Fingers signing off. Lightening Fingers was my first Shaman
name choice, the second was Rumbling Belly.
Sayonara, peace.
